im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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