I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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