I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Can I color on your dick again?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
