God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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