God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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