If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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