i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
