remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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