MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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