Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
