I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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