2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
