dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
the day after is always just damage control
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
