i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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