I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
