Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I stole a fireplace last night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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