i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
