Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
