I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
