Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
