Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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