So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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