I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
