Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
