I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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