I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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