just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
