girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
