I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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