i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
