How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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