I'm going to rape someone's good day.
we're making bets on your personal life
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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