Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
