dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
