a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
