he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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