Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
