Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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