It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
