Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
