There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
