Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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