I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
