he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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