I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
