i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
