my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
