If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
