I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
