I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am spending my child support on dildos
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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