Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
