I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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