Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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