I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You ate ashes out of my bong
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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