We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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