seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
