I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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