I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
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I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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