I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
