I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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