I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Randomize
