yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
wow bdsm is so cute
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
