we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
