don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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