i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
